You see …
I’m leaving in just a day
You see….
I haven’t been in touch
With another
So closely
For a while now
I haven’t
Loved
Another
So closely
For a while now
You see….
I want to be and see and taste and touch
These things I haven’t
So closely,
So perhaps then with you
For just a while now
You see….
Like you
I am dainty and scared
And Like you I
I have loved till I was left wilted
You see….
JUST like you
I too have this fire burning
No!
RAGING
Inside
And no-one to warm it with
To heat to a simmer
To coax in from the emotional cold
That Life breathes in icy gusts at times
Whipping them around us
Our boots kicking up shards of ice from the past
to shatter in our face
Sting us in the eye
And blind us for just another moment
You see
I just wanted to feel
What its like
(to pretend)
To be in love
For just a little while
Whilst alongside you
Before I go
And the next storm sets in.
(AIJ Blake - 14 April 2009 … again, .... inspired by M. Squ.)
Wednesday 15 April 2009
MUSK (poem - 14th April 2009)
MUSK
Your scent of
musk
It drove me
To sensual limits - the one’s I know
myself to harbour
Just there
In the crook of your neck
And to think I was about
to leave
the movie – so damn slow – behind
And make my way
To the place of sleep and dreams
Your gallantness stepped in of
my way out
And pulled me in
“Can I kiss you?” you asked
Yes
Oh yes
You could kiss me
… and then later
My lips trailing over
The valley of your skin
The dips of your neck
The aroma of your scent
I drank it in
The smoothness of your skin
Tanned
gold
Intoxicated beyond my own sensual heights -
You.
Musk.
( AIJ Blake - 14 April 2009 - for a perhaps-just-momentary lover, Mark Squ.)
Your scent of
musk
It drove me
To sensual limits - the one’s I know
myself to harbour
Just there
In the crook of your neck
And to think I was about
to leave
the movie – so damn slow – behind
And make my way
To the place of sleep and dreams
Your gallantness stepped in of
my way out
And pulled me in
“Can I kiss you?” you asked
Yes
Oh yes
You could kiss me
… and then later
My lips trailing over
The valley of your skin
The dips of your neck
The aroma of your scent
I drank it in
The smoothness of your skin
Tanned
gold
Intoxicated beyond my own sensual heights -
You.
Musk.
( AIJ Blake - 14 April 2009 - for a perhaps-just-momentary lover, Mark Squ.)
Sunday 01 March 2009
“What I messaged you the other night….”
The a magazine pages
Flip over and fall onto the part
That grasps my attention
That makes me gasp
For breath
A nerve is hit
And so I read of
“loneliness in relationships”
and
“respecting intuition”
And
I think of you
And what I messaged you the other night
And the hard clipped words in your reply
- patronizing
- and chastising as if I was a little girl
- I am not
- Your words were just like that
Of my father
And it hurt
And I cried
Yes, you seem to be another dynamic played out
As I try to uncover and release the hurtful pattern
Of a past I cannot reclaim
Of a closeness that never was
Of a father that never is
And you are just like him
And I fell for you
Self-fulfillingly
First I read the piece on loneliness
And as I tired to understand
The dynamics between us
I stepped away
Took a step back and said
“No more”
“Not this time”
And I unplugged the imaginary cord
Connecting me to you
I pulled it out
I am now about to read the piece
On intuition
And that left me reeling
Because what left me feeling
so UTTERLY lonely when WITH you
is your lack of affirmation of me
your lack of intimately connecting with me
you held back
every time
playing your manipulative game of taking and “listening” to all you could from me
to always keep the upper-hand
to ensure you’d always be the one in control
and controlling the situation
and when I became demanding
it threw you
I wanted clarity and boundaries
A sense of security
I wanted vulnerability
From YOU
I challenged you
And your world would be wobbled
And control would start wavering
And you’d run
The hostility between us would set in
The love was gone
OR
Perhaps it never was there
But that’s exactly what my father did
Played his sick manipulative game
I see now though how he always used his loud harsh bark
To cover up the weak man inside
His inability to stand up for himself
His inability to make a commitment
To himself
And to another
And you’re the same
So all that inability gets covered up
with a sick strategic game
it’s always easier to rather surround one’s self
with others who do the work for them
set the boundaries in place for them
don’t demand higher ideals
closer connection
deeper intimacy
because it puts you
(as it put him)
On the line
To be REAL
- real with yourself
- real with another
- real with the world
- and the closer the other, the more threatening and dangerous
that’s what I was to you
wasn’t it?
I was a threat
Danger
To your carefully worked out game
Your carefully structured identity
I challenged its rules
And so your existence
Your carefully structured world
Of military strategy
And no emotion
- because that’s always where the truth lies
- rather safer to stay within the confinement of rational thinking and intellect, its crisp and clear
- emotion is abstract and submerged, it exists with different rules, it requires US to surrender to IT, and you hate that (as does he)
- you’d have to face your deepest darkest part of yourself and confront the places you’ve kept so well-hidden
You run from your own identity
The one that dwells in your unconscious
And I tapped into it
That’s the language I spoke to you
So when things started to surface
It was too much for you to face
Who you really are
Because you’ve honed your conscious to steer your ship
To “be” your pseudonym identity
Your conscious rules you with its fears
And you deny your true core self that lives beneath the surface
You deny your unconscious SELF
You deny you
I speak the language of unconscious to you
And you reply with the language of conscious
And so the constant battle of
light versus dark
Truth versus deception
Is put into play.
you see I can’t do
what you do
because I made a choice not to
I was very young when I chose this
To not become a stagnant lie
Spending my life investing in constantly covering up
The truth of what I really felt
I understood all too well
The dis-easedness of it all
To play life that way
Play others that way
To play my SELF that way
…. To waste myself away
I see you doing that
And yet, I too am the fool
For not having learned how to walk away
from my own childhood relationship dynamics
I pulled you into my web
And now I have to find the recipe
To remove the glue
That keeps you sticking to me
Or keeps me sticking to you
Perhaps you have found how
To leave me behind
And its just me that has to learn the trick
It’s a lonely thought
But I will
I can
Because my ideals are too high to be ignored
I will crack this reflection I have of myself
- Undervaluing
- underestimating
- not worthy to be truly and truthfully loved
I will smash this mirror
And build a new one
… I’m slowly sourcing the pieces
that do not include you.
(01 March 2009)
Sunday 21 December 2008
The Dreamkeepers
Dreamkeepers
One finds a space
One day one takes a step into
A small and somewhat non-attention-drawing office
And pledges one’s most future pressing years to dedicate
To this place
This space
This time
Enveloped
Envisioned
In the dream of a one man
The boss
And stepping in on that first day
The energy within
Pulses
The adrenaline of possibility pumping
And a dream is born
Manifest
Into physical
And as the days become nights
Become days
Become dreams-come-true
The hope it grows
And nurtures
And crystallizes into visions of one’s future potential
and places to reach for
But then
The tower
Gets struck
By lightening
- the conscience of consequence of action -
the flash of misguidance
Directs the ship directly into the storm
That was predicted too long ago
And once again
The cracks that let the water seep in
Materialize once more
And the ships goes
Down
And the crew
Jumps
Or get pushed
Off
And then there is nothing
But the lonely dregs of loyal plebs
Hanging onto to threadbare wisps
Of a dream
Once lived
Who pledged their heart
For a cause that held their personal dream
Only to have one man
Undermine
Their heart
Use
A piece of their soul
Take for granted
Them
And so the loyalty hurts and starves
And the dream dies from thirst
And it all shrivels up to what it was at the very beginning
The cycle begins again
The Lesson
still unlearned
And the deeply saddened spirit
Tries to pick up the pieces of its broken heart
And the person
Moves on …
Void of choice
All because of a man
who forgot
to remember
His companions
His soulmates
His dreamkeepers
One finds a space
One day one takes a step into
A small and somewhat non-attention-drawing office
And pledges one’s most future pressing years to dedicate
To this place
This space
This time
Enveloped
Envisioned
In the dream of a one man
The boss
And stepping in on that first day
The energy within
Pulses
The adrenaline of possibility pumping
And a dream is born
Manifest
Into physical
And as the days become nights
Become days
Become dreams-come-true
The hope it grows
And nurtures
And crystallizes into visions of one’s future potential
and places to reach for
But then
The tower
Gets struck
By lightening
- the conscience of consequence of action -
the flash of misguidance
Directs the ship directly into the storm
That was predicted too long ago
And once again
The cracks that let the water seep in
Materialize once more
And the ships goes
Down
And the crew
Jumps
Or get pushed
Off
And then there is nothing
But the lonely dregs of loyal plebs
Hanging onto to threadbare wisps
Of a dream
Once lived
Who pledged their heart
For a cause that held their personal dream
Only to have one man
Undermine
Their heart
Use
A piece of their soul
Take for granted
Them
And so the loyalty hurts and starves
And the dream dies from thirst
And it all shrivels up to what it was at the very beginning
The cycle begins again
The Lesson
still unlearned
And the deeply saddened spirit
Tries to pick up the pieces of its broken heart
And the person
Moves on …
Void of choice
All because of a man
who forgot
to remember
His companions
His soulmates
His dreamkeepers
Tuesday 21 October 2008
Posted: 17 Oct 2008 05:45 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho
Paulo Coelho
- What is the language of the signs?
- Every man has his own personal way of communicating with God and with his own soul.
- So man doesn’t need religion?
- The religions are very important, because they allow us to adore collectively, and to share the same mysteries. But the spiritual search is the responsibility of each of us: if you stray from your path, it is no use blaming the priest, the minister, the rabbi, the pastor - the responsibility is yours alone. That is why an alphabet exists which your soul understands, and which will show you the better decisions along your path.
- How to learn this language?
- Like you would any other. First, with the discipline to educate oneself to notice the signs. Then, with the courage to practice the language. Thirdly, never be afraid to make mistakes while practicing.
- What is it makes us so often follow the wrong sign?
- But of course, how else to learn the right signs?
- Could you give me an example of a sign?
- No. As I said, the language is individual. If we begin to generalize the signs, they turn into superstition.
"Many masters have made the mistake of using their signs in order to guide their disciples. What happens is that when people begin the spiritual search, they enter unknown waters, and feel insecure. So they try grabbing hold of the first thing held out to them - and in doing this, they abandon the aspect of adventure, only to become slaves to the hand guiding them. "
- How can I be sure of recognizing a sign as a true one?
- You never can. But, generally, if you begin seeing this world beyond convictions, you will see that your intuition will start to lead you towards the better choice - however absurd it may seem. Gradually, this language becomes incorporated within you, and although you will continue to make the odd mistake, you are already at peace with your soul, and make the right decisions.
"Often the sign is more practical than we imagined, and I’ll tell you a story about this.
"A man once dreamt about an angel, who said to him: tomorrow it will start to rain, your village will be flooded, but you will be saved.
"And sure enough, the next day it started to rain. An emergency team went from house to house, evacuating the inhabitants, since there was a danger of flooding. All left, except that man, who said: "I had a dream about an angel, who said I’d be saved."
"The next day, the water rose to the first floor of the houses. A second emergency team came to try and save the man, who again refused to leave, claiming to have received a sign from an angel, and that he had to show the world his faith.
"By the third day, the situation had become critical, and the man was alone, perched on the roof of his house - as the waters continued to rise nonstop. Making an enormous effort, a rescue team again tried to remove him, but again he refused, calling them the devil, shouting that they were trying to force him to deny the angel’s sign.
"A short while later, the water covered the house and the man was drowned. Since he was a good Christian, he went to heaven and met St. Peter, who invited him to enter. The man refused, saying that God had tricked him; He had sent an angel who told him he would be saved, when in fact he was the only villager who had died.
"St. Peter told him that God never lied, and promised to return with an explanation. He entered Paradise and returned half an hour later, saying:
"It is true, God did indeed send you an angel to tell you that you would be saved. But He said you refused, three times, the salvation He sent you in the form of rescue teams!""
- Every man has his own personal way of communicating with God and with his own soul.
- So man doesn’t need religion?
- The religions are very important, because they allow us to adore collectively, and to share the same mysteries. But the spiritual search is the responsibility of each of us: if you stray from your path, it is no use blaming the priest, the minister, the rabbi, the pastor - the responsibility is yours alone. That is why an alphabet exists which your soul understands, and which will show you the better decisions along your path.
- How to learn this language?
- Like you would any other. First, with the discipline to educate oneself to notice the signs. Then, with the courage to practice the language. Thirdly, never be afraid to make mistakes while practicing.
- What is it makes us so often follow the wrong sign?
- But of course, how else to learn the right signs?
- Could you give me an example of a sign?
- No. As I said, the language is individual. If we begin to generalize the signs, they turn into superstition.
"Many masters have made the mistake of using their signs in order to guide their disciples. What happens is that when people begin the spiritual search, they enter unknown waters, and feel insecure. So they try grabbing hold of the first thing held out to them - and in doing this, they abandon the aspect of adventure, only to become slaves to the hand guiding them. "
- How can I be sure of recognizing a sign as a true one?
- You never can. But, generally, if you begin seeing this world beyond convictions, you will see that your intuition will start to lead you towards the better choice - however absurd it may seem. Gradually, this language becomes incorporated within you, and although you will continue to make the odd mistake, you are already at peace with your soul, and make the right decisions.
"Often the sign is more practical than we imagined, and I’ll tell you a story about this.
"A man once dreamt about an angel, who said to him: tomorrow it will start to rain, your village will be flooded, but you will be saved.
"And sure enough, the next day it started to rain. An emergency team went from house to house, evacuating the inhabitants, since there was a danger of flooding. All left, except that man, who said: "I had a dream about an angel, who said I’d be saved."
"The next day, the water rose to the first floor of the houses. A second emergency team came to try and save the man, who again refused to leave, claiming to have received a sign from an angel, and that he had to show the world his faith.
"By the third day, the situation had become critical, and the man was alone, perched on the roof of his house - as the waters continued to rise nonstop. Making an enormous effort, a rescue team again tried to remove him, but again he refused, calling them the devil, shouting that they were trying to force him to deny the angel’s sign.
"A short while later, the water covered the house and the man was drowned. Since he was a good Christian, he went to heaven and met St. Peter, who invited him to enter. The man refused, saying that God had tricked him; He had sent an angel who told him he would be saved, when in fact he was the only villager who had died.
"St. Peter told him that God never lied, and promised to return with an explanation. He entered Paradise and returned half an hour later, saying:
"It is true, God did indeed send you an angel to tell you that you would be saved. But He said you refused, three times, the salvation He sent you in the form of rescue teams!""
Paulo Coelho
1] All men are different. And should do everything possible to continue to be so.
2] Each human being has been granted two courses of action: that of deed and that of contemplation. Both lead to the same place.
3] Each human being has been granted two qualities: power and gift. Power drives man to meet his destiny, his gift obliges him to share with others that which is good in him. A man must know when to use his power, and when to use his gift.
4] Each human being has been granted a virtue: the capacity to choose. For he who does not use this virtue, it becomes a curse - and others will always choose for him.
5] Each human being has the right to two blessings, which are: the blessing to do right, and the blessing to err. In the latter case, there is always a path of learning leading to the right way.
6] Each human being has his own sexual profile, and should exercise it without guilt - provided he does not oblige others to exercise it with him.
7] Each human being has his own Personal Legend to be fulfilled, and this is the reason he is in the world. The Personal Legend is manifest in his enthusiasm for what he does.Single paragraph - the Personal Legend may be abandoned for a certain time, provided one does not forget it and returns as soon as possible.
8] Each man has a feminine side, and each woman has a masculine side. It is necessary to use discipline with intuition, and to use intuition objectively.
9] Each human being must know two languages: the language of society and the language of the omens. The first serves for communication with others. The second serves to interpret messages from God.
10] Each human being has the right to seek out joy, joy being understood as something which makes one content - not necessarily that which makes others content.
11] Each human being must keep alight within him the sacred flame of madness. And must behave like a normal person.
12] The only faults considered grave are the following: not respecting the rights of one’s neighbor, letting oneself be paralyzed by fear, feeling guilty, thinking one does not deserve the good and bad which occurs in life, and being a coward.Paragraph 1 - we shall love our adversaries, but not make alliances with them. They are placed in our way to test our sword, and deserve the respect of our fight.Paragraph 2 - we shall choose our adversaries, not the other way around.
13] All religions lead to the same God, and all deserve the same respect.Single paragraph - A man who chooses a religion is also choosing a collective manner of adoration and of sharing the mysteries. Nevertheless, he alone is responsible for his actions along the Way, and he has no right to transfer to religion the responsibility for his steps and his decisions.
14] We hereby declare the end to the wall dividing the sacred from the profane: from now on, all is sacred.
15] Everything which is done in the present, affects the future by consequence, and the past by redemption.
16] Dispensations to the contrary are herewith revoked.
Friday 17 October 2008
Quote of the Day
Posted: 16 Oct 2008 05:26 AM CDT
By Paulo Coelho
The Warrior of Light does not always have faith.
Posted: 16 Oct 2008 05:26 AM CDT
By Paulo Coelho
The Warrior of Light does not always have faith.
(Manual of the Warrior of Light)
Friday 10 October 2008
Today’s Question by the reader : Yajna
Posted: 09 Oct 2008 05:46 AM CDT
I believe that love should never prevent you from reaching your dream, but how does it work if your dream is love? Isn’t love an entity on its own, not under control/ ours to be decided on?
Concerning love - it is the ultimate goal. Our personal legend is merely a path, a way we trace in this world in order to fulfill ourselves. As Saint Paul says in his letter to the Corinthians (13:1) : "If I speak in the languages of humans and angels but have no love, I have become a reverberating gong or a clashing cymbal."
Posted: 09 Oct 2008 05:46 AM CDT
I believe that love should never prevent you from reaching your dream, but how does it work if your dream is love? Isn’t love an entity on its own, not under control/ ours to be decided on?
Concerning love - it is the ultimate goal. Our personal legend is merely a path, a way we trace in this world in order to fulfill ourselves. As Saint Paul says in his letter to the Corinthians (13:1) : "If I speak in the languages of humans and angels but have no love, I have become a reverberating gong or a clashing cymbal."
the Fires of the Divine
will always burn that which has reached its time for transformation, transcendence, renewal ....that is where we have arrived ....
a lightening bolt struck us both down, and burned every part of what we had to nothing - all incinerated ...
we've reached a time of fundamentally deep change ....
only something greater is destined to grow from among the burnt ashes of our past together .....
and only time will reveal the secrets of its intentions ....
for now we walk in the shadow of unknowingness, and can only blindly trust the Hands that guide us forward each on our own way....
Thursday 09 October 2008
Whenever man walks the path of faith with sincerity, he becomes capable of growing closer to God and capable of miracles.
(By the River Piedra I sat down and wept)
The Sword of Decision
Being master of your sword
Posted: 09 Oct 2008 05:50 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho
A sword may last a short time. But the warrior must endure.
That is why he is not fooled about his own capability, and avoids being taken by surprise. He considers each thing with the importance it deserves.
At times, when faced with grave matters, the devil whispers in his ear: "do not worry about that, it’s not serious."
At others, facing banal things, the demon tells him: "you should devote all your energy to resolve this situation."
The warrior does not listen to what the devil is saying.
He is master of his sword.
Posted: 09 Oct 2008 05:50 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho
A sword may last a short time. But the warrior must endure.
That is why he is not fooled about his own capability, and avoids being taken by surprise. He considers each thing with the importance it deserves.
At times, when faced with grave matters, the devil whispers in his ear: "do not worry about that, it’s not serious."
At others, facing banal things, the demon tells him: "you should devote all your energy to resolve this situation."
The warrior does not listen to what the devil is saying.
He is master of his sword.
Wednesday 08 October 2008
Knowing when to remain still
Posted: 08 Oct 2008 06:52 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho
A warrior of the light never forgets that good men do not complain.
Injustices take place. We all go through situations we do not deserve - generally when we cannot defend ourselves.
At such times, the warrior remains silent. He does not waste energy on words, for they can do nothing; it is better to use the strength to resist, be patient, and know that Someone is watching. Someone who has faced unjust suffering, and who does not accept it.
This Someone gives the warrior that which he needs the most: time. Sooner or later, everything will work in his favor once again.
A warrior of the light is wise; He doesn’t comment on his defeats.
Posted: 08 Oct 2008 06:52 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho
A warrior of the light never forgets that good men do not complain.
Injustices take place. We all go through situations we do not deserve - generally when we cannot defend ourselves.
At such times, the warrior remains silent. He does not waste energy on words, for they can do nothing; it is better to use the strength to resist, be patient, and know that Someone is watching. Someone who has faced unjust suffering, and who does not accept it.
This Someone gives the warrior that which he needs the most: time. Sooner or later, everything will work in his favor once again.
A warrior of the light is wise; He doesn’t comment on his defeats.
Quote of the Day
Posted: 08 Oct 2008 06:51 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho
We arrive precisely where we need to arrive because the hand of God always guides those who follow their path with faith.
(Brida)
Posted: 08 Oct 2008 06:51 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho
We arrive precisely where we need to arrive because the hand of God always guides those who follow their path with faith.
(Brida)
Tuesday 07 October 2008
A Gentle whisper to my ears
Quote of the Day
Posted: 07 Oct 2008 05:56 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho
The Lord listens to the prayers of those who ask to be able to forget hatred, but is deaf to those who want to flee love.
Posted: 07 Oct 2008 05:56 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho
The Lord listens to the prayers of those who ask to be able to forget hatred, but is deaf to those who want to flee love.
(The Fifth Mountain)
Quote of the Day
Posted: 06 Oct 2008 05:39 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho
God always offers us a second chance in life.
Posted: 06 Oct 2008 05:39 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho
God always offers us a second chance in life.
(By the river Piedra I sat Down and Wept)
Time to let go
The Strength of the Warrior
Posted: 06 Oct 2008 05:44 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho
The warrior - inadvertently - takes a wrong step and falls into the abyss. Phantoms startle him, loneliness torments him. As always he sought the Good Combat, and didn’t think this would happen to him.
But it did. Surrounded by darkness, he communicates with his master.
"Master, I have fallen into the abyss," he says. "The waters are deep and dark."
"Remember one thing," replies the master. "That it is not the fall which drowns, but the length of time underwater."
And this causes the warrior to use all his strength to get out of the situation in which he finds himself.
...thank you Paulo. My heart is broken, and all because I believed fully and deeply in the person ... confused as I am right now, its time to let go of him, I did my best, gave my all, loved with every part of me - his destiny is not my choosing, it is his own. I uqestion every day how I did not love him enough, what more could I have given of myself, and every morning I look at him and the walls have shut me out even more than before - or maybe its me who knows this fight I have lost. He won - whatever it was he wanted to achieve, he did.
Its Time for me to go my own way now and leave him in the present, there'll be no changes for today.
Posted: 06 Oct 2008 05:44 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho
The warrior - inadvertently - takes a wrong step and falls into the abyss. Phantoms startle him, loneliness torments him. As always he sought the Good Combat, and didn’t think this would happen to him.
But it did. Surrounded by darkness, he communicates with his master.
"Master, I have fallen into the abyss," he says. "The waters are deep and dark."
"Remember one thing," replies the master. "That it is not the fall which drowns, but the length of time underwater."
And this causes the warrior to use all his strength to get out of the situation in which he finds himself.
...thank you Paulo. My heart is broken, and all because I believed fully and deeply in the person ... confused as I am right now, its time to let go of him, I did my best, gave my all, loved with every part of me - his destiny is not my choosing, it is his own. I uqestion every day how I did not love him enough, what more could I have given of myself, and every morning I look at him and the walls have shut me out even more than before - or maybe its me who knows this fight I have lost. He won - whatever it was he wanted to achieve, he did.
Its Time for me to go my own way now and leave him in the present, there'll be no changes for today.
Monday 06 October 2008
Keyword of the Day: Devastated
...So, here I am. Splat all over the floor, desperrately trying to get through the day and knowing that I'm probably not going to - not poised and collected anyway. Finally, my heart got my attention and bitch-slapped me in the face to wake me up - whilst telling me over and over to feel what i am actually feeling - that I'm a devastated mess, that I feel like I've been crushed and rolled over just for confirmation of my flatness into the pavement, squished like a bug, and that the only way to get up is to scrape the remnants of my once living body off the floor.
And, yes, of course, its always becuase of heart break. And yes, he managed to get me ointo this space - have this effect on me. I didn't want to admit it. But driving to work this morning it felt good to reconcile myself to the fact that this is really where i am inside - raw and hurting endlessly. Sad and feeling like a fool. Wishing there was some way to get what was back, and knowing i have to find a way instead of moving forward.... and then i have to sit opposite him at work, face him as if all is well, and its not. i couldn't hold it in anymore today - i balled my eyes in the bathroom. I feel like a soggy mess inside and just want to run a mile. But also know that this is probably the best space for me to be in right now.
he questions me in how I perceive things, and i'm just not like him, i don't shut things away and lock them up for good. I feel them, breathe them, live them - i am what is going on inside of me and I cannot ignore it....
so of course it leaves me feelign even more rejected, confused, hurt - devastated - watching him cool and calm like nothing ever mattered, that life is just going on. i watched a movie last night and she tells him "we're just the substitute". Of course they fidn their way to each other at the end - always the case with romantic movies. But the point is that those words hit me, I was his substitute. And now that all is learned / or not (probably more the case), he had his bit of fun and goes back to his familiar space ... and i'm the fool who fell. You know, the one solice i have is knowing I've found the courage after all these days to be able to admit that i fell, hard and fast, and that i feel a complete idiot... i'm not sure how one picks themself up from a fall this hard and far down, but i'll just ahve to learn, like everyone else does. The last time I fell like this and was left reeleing from the most unexpected break-up / rejection was when i was 13 years old - funny, becuase while trying to comes to terms with this i realised how similar that boyfriend and this man are so similar and how the nature of the break-up was so similar ... they both left me when things got too hot to handle.
Perhaps they never really wanted to be involved with me - somehow I don't believe thats true. My sweetheart at 13 sought me out when I didn't even have a clue he existed (being 3 years older, one of the most popular guys in the school which i only found out afterwards, and having just arrived in high school there was no way i was considering even being noticed!) .... he left me the day he arrived back from veldschool. i know he gave into peer pressure from his friends - he got scared and fled - his insecurity got the better of him, the stupidity in all of this is that he never kept his eyes off me all the time after that. I wrote to him just before I left the school to make peace and his reply made it clear that i was never forgotten .... well, the dear man in my present time i know had a girlfriend in Israel who he apprently never planned to stay committed to (but wasn't straight up with her from the beginning), so when she started to pressure he broke it off and went on his planned trip through Africa..... partnering with a woman that lived as a loner just as he does - no need for committment emotionally, just materially .... and then i came along and upturned everything ... and then i questioned and pressured because what i saw was not what was being protrayed to the outside world. And when it just got too hot, he fled. Yet he kept coming back all the times I tried to leave in the first place - but he won't see this. He's just like the insecure boyfriend from my teens - scared to face his inner world, perhaps becuase its a place he knows he'll never have control over and its too much not knowing what he'll find therein.
I still maintain this is how it is. I wouldn't be so sore if he didn't matter to me, and so the state of his heart..... there cannot be a bigger kind of love. If only he'd let himself love the same......
And, yes, of course, its always becuase of heart break. And yes, he managed to get me ointo this space - have this effect on me. I didn't want to admit it. But driving to work this morning it felt good to reconcile myself to the fact that this is really where i am inside - raw and hurting endlessly. Sad and feeling like a fool. Wishing there was some way to get what was back, and knowing i have to find a way instead of moving forward.... and then i have to sit opposite him at work, face him as if all is well, and its not. i couldn't hold it in anymore today - i balled my eyes in the bathroom. I feel like a soggy mess inside and just want to run a mile. But also know that this is probably the best space for me to be in right now.
he questions me in how I perceive things, and i'm just not like him, i don't shut things away and lock them up for good. I feel them, breathe them, live them - i am what is going on inside of me and I cannot ignore it....
so of course it leaves me feelign even more rejected, confused, hurt - devastated - watching him cool and calm like nothing ever mattered, that life is just going on. i watched a movie last night and she tells him "we're just the substitute". Of course they fidn their way to each other at the end - always the case with romantic movies. But the point is that those words hit me, I was his substitute. And now that all is learned / or not (probably more the case), he had his bit of fun and goes back to his familiar space ... and i'm the fool who fell. You know, the one solice i have is knowing I've found the courage after all these days to be able to admit that i fell, hard and fast, and that i feel a complete idiot... i'm not sure how one picks themself up from a fall this hard and far down, but i'll just ahve to learn, like everyone else does. The last time I fell like this and was left reeleing from the most unexpected break-up / rejection was when i was 13 years old - funny, becuase while trying to comes to terms with this i realised how similar that boyfriend and this man are so similar and how the nature of the break-up was so similar ... they both left me when things got too hot to handle.
Perhaps they never really wanted to be involved with me - somehow I don't believe thats true. My sweetheart at 13 sought me out when I didn't even have a clue he existed (being 3 years older, one of the most popular guys in the school which i only found out afterwards, and having just arrived in high school there was no way i was considering even being noticed!) .... he left me the day he arrived back from veldschool. i know he gave into peer pressure from his friends - he got scared and fled - his insecurity got the better of him, the stupidity in all of this is that he never kept his eyes off me all the time after that. I wrote to him just before I left the school to make peace and his reply made it clear that i was never forgotten .... well, the dear man in my present time i know had a girlfriend in Israel who he apprently never planned to stay committed to (but wasn't straight up with her from the beginning), so when she started to pressure he broke it off and went on his planned trip through Africa..... partnering with a woman that lived as a loner just as he does - no need for committment emotionally, just materially .... and then i came along and upturned everything ... and then i questioned and pressured because what i saw was not what was being protrayed to the outside world. And when it just got too hot, he fled. Yet he kept coming back all the times I tried to leave in the first place - but he won't see this. He's just like the insecure boyfriend from my teens - scared to face his inner world, perhaps becuase its a place he knows he'll never have control over and its too much not knowing what he'll find therein.
I still maintain this is how it is. I wouldn't be so sore if he didn't matter to me, and so the state of his heart..... there cannot be a bigger kind of love. If only he'd let himself love the same......
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